The Child-Rearing Olympics

Hi all

In celebration of the upcoming Sochi 2014 Olympic Games, I thought that I would talk about a few “events” that I feel are missing from the games, and if they were included, I would be well-decorated with gold medals by now. And maybe a silver or bronze or two. I’m sure all of you moms out there would be well decorated too.

1. THE “BUTTON UP A SNAP ONESIE PROPERLY ANYTIME BETWEEN 1-5AM, IN THE DARK” EVENT

-difficulty: moderate, dependant on the mobility/fussiness/hunger of the infant the said onesie is being buttoned onto

Picture it: it’s 3am and your kid just crapped their pants. The bad mommy in you wants to fall back asleep and leave him/her in a poopy diaper until morning comes at 5:30 am. But the ethical mommy overrides and you fumble in the dark trying to change their bum. Cue the moment when you attempt to do up those damn buttons on their onesie, which NEVER EVER seem to align properly and you end up with a gaping section in the leg upon which their foot gets tangled after it wiggles its way out of the hole. Bravo to whoever invented onesise with zippers, and note to self: I need to buy more onesies with zippers.

2. THE “I HAVE 2 CHILDREN AND I’M GETTING THEM READY SOLO FOR A BIRTHDAY PARTY AND I WILL ARRIVE TO SAID PARTY ON TIME” EVENT

-difficulty: moderate to severe, depending on the age of the children of which you are trying to usher out the door, hunger factors, interest in the party, etc.

In my opinion, this event goes from severe to extreme difficulty if you add a 3 year old to the equation. For instance, my 3 year old has decided the time has come for her to completely stop listening. I’m trying to get her shoes on and out the door before the little one, who is already in her car seat carrier, realizes we’re not yet in the car, which in her opinion is unacceptable (why aren’t we moving?? I will scream my head off in protest). Meanwhile, the 3 year old runs away from you and the shoes and hides in a nook of which you are too large to retrieve her (e.g.: under the bed) (damn you baby weight!). When you finally arrive at the party, ON TIME, make sure you and the children appear cute, cheerful and well-rested for a gold medal. Bonus points if the crepe paper in the birthday gift bag is brand new and not all crinkly.

3. THE “YOU’RE GOING TO EAT THAT VEGETABLE” STAND-OFF

-difficulty: crazy

This event is all about endurance and patience. Thank god my husband possesses both these traits, because I sure don’t. I kind of picture this event as something out of TV’s Survivor, in more ways than one. It’s like my husband is the guy who is standing on a skinny piece of wood, suspended over the ocean, and he can barely get his footing. If he can stay standing on this piece of wood the longest, he wins immunity for that week. In the opinion of the child who has to eat the yucky vegetable, it’s kind of like that Survivor challenge when you have to eat a gross giant maggot or a pig testicle; either way, it needs to be chewed, not swallowed whole, and you have to show the judge (my husband) an empty mouth once you’ve eaten it. Be prepared to commit to this event for the long haul, and remember that immunity only lasts a week.

4. THE “I’M GOING TO WRITE A BLOG POST WHILE TRYING TO PARENT A CHILD JUST COMING OFF THE STOMACH FLU AND ANOTHER TEETHING CHILD THAT REFUSES TO NAP”
Hold on, someone’s at my door…..
Ah! It’s my gold medals! I’ll have to go now, as I need to find somewhere to display them 😉

UP NEXT: THE WINE DRINKING OLYMPICS. WE’RE ALL WINNERS IN THAT ONE!

xox

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